Thursday, December 16, 2010

Where's the Chaos?

I've come to the conclusion recently that my life isn't truly a life without chaos.  I've found that I don't know how to live a quiet, predictable life.  I don't know how to live my life without some huge life-altering change just around the bend.  In essence, I'm pretty sure I'm bored.

Since I graduated high school over six years ago, my life has been on hyper-drive.  My first year of college, I went to school full-time as well as worked two jobs; all while trying to still see Michael (who was still in high school a half hour away) and aiming for some kind of social life.  We moved to Chicago for my second year of college.  Not only did I have over a two hour commute one way to school everyday, I had to work to pay my share of a tiny one bedroom apartment. While going to school full-time. Oh, and that social life again. 

The next year, we moved again...and yet another college transfer.  That year was a little quieter.  I didn't go to school Fall Semester because we moved too late so I just worked a lot.  And I didn't have much of a social life.  But I was back in school for Spring Semester, and during Finals week we found out we were pregnant.

The whirlwind really picked up then.  We moved back home, and I transferred colleges for the final time.  Once Fall semester picked up, I was going to school full time, volunteering for one of my classes, working, trying to buy a house, and oh yeah--I was pregnant!  It was a very crazy few months. 

I stayed home with Evie exclusively until the following Fall semester.  I didn't work thank goodness, but I went to school full-time, took care of an infant, and worked around the craziness that was my house-always-in-some-state-of-remodel.  That summer I finally graduated with my B.S. in Sociology, and was so very relieved to be done with that chapter of my life.  Maybe we would find a little peace?

Not a chance.  A week after classes ended, I started up an in-home day care so I could continue staying home with Evie.  The next month, we decided that Michael was going to enlist.  Now not only did I have small children to take care of during the day, I had to find time to pack and finish little projects around the house so we could put it on the market.

A few months later, Michael shipped off to BMT, I moved in with my parents, and my life got a little less crazy again...until June.  The house didn't sell until the day before we moved to Kansas--talk about perfect timing--so I was dealing with trying to move ten hours away and closing on the house at the exact same time.

I'm exhausted just thinking about those years.  I always managed the chaos quite well--even embraced it.  But now that we're settled in Kansas, there is no more craziness.  No more chaos.  No big event to plan for--unless you count a deployment that we have no clue the date for. 

I feel like I'm floating.  I can't really plan for my future because thanks to the Air Force, that's not really in my hands.  We have no clue how long Michael will stay in the military or where we'll live or anything.  And I don't begrudge Michael or the Air Force for any of that--I knew what we signed up for.  I just never thought I'd need chaos to stay sane.

I'm grasping at straws to keep myself entertained.  Reading bores me now.  I tried watching television, but that only lasted for a week or two before I was bored with that too.  My new thing is sewing.  I'm embroidering dishtowels and sewing stockings.  I'm even attempting a quilt now, just to keep myself from going stark raving mad.

Have any of you military wives dealt with this?  I don't even know what in my life I could change to make things better since I absolutely want to continue staying home with Evie until she's in school.

I guess giving an ambitious girl who lives for chaos a few uneventful months wasn't a good idea.  Who knew?

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