Saturday, February 6, 2010

Took me by surprise

I got another phone call from Michael from BMT today, though that wasn't what took me by surprise.  This is the third Saturday in a row that he's been able to call--which is three times more than I thought he'd ever be able to.  He is doing very well, and once again sounded upbeat.  They are starting week four (half way done!) this next week which means the gas chamber (eek!), and the obstacle course. 

So the phone call wasn't the reaction when it ended was.  Each time I receive a letter or a phone call, I'm elated.  I am so proud of everything that he is doing, and immensely glad that he seems to be liking the military lifestyle he's thus far been introduced to.  Even though I am sad that he isn't here, and I miss him every single day, I haven't been distraught with grief like some people seem to think I should be.  Four and half months in the long scheme is not that long a time, I know what he is doing is what is best for him and our family, and I refuse to dwell on the fact that he's not here.

That being said, hanging up after what seemed like the shortest ten minute phone call of my life was so incredibly hard.  Last week we were able to talk for a whole twenty-five minutes which compared to today, seems like an eternity.  I know I am blessed that we were even able to have those ten minutes so it took me by surprise how panicked and crushingly sad I felt when I had to say goodbye.  I don't have those moments often--I try hard to keep my chin up and to keep it together for Evie--but when those moments hurts.

In the eight years that Michael and I have been together, we've never been apart longer than a week, possibly two.  We certainly haven't gone longer than a couple of days without speaking, at least on the telephone.  I've never had to be an adult without him.  It's strange, and unnerving, and more than a tiny bit scary.  I know as a military wife these absences will occur more than occasionally, and eventually they will probably seem normal, but right's hard.

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