Monday, May 9, 2011

I'm Back

I didn't really mean to be gone for so long.  I kept trying to come back, to write, to get back into things.  It's been a really rough and eventful month, but for the most part I'm okay.  But every time I tried to come back and write this blog post, I just couldn't.  Mostly because I knew I couldn't ignore why I left.

Nothing ever prepares you for losing a baby.  Nothing prepares you for turning a quarter of a century a week later.  Or a week after that, saying goodbye to the love of your life as he heads off for his first deployment.  Nothing in life can really prepare you for so many blows--though I suppose, the birthday should have been a bright spot in an otherwise gloomy month.  

It's been hard.  Excruciatingly hard.  But at the same time, it's been okay.  I'm the sort of person that analyzes everything down to the most minute of details.  I don't shy away from thinking about things, and that has helped me in the healing process quite a bit.  I'm not the type of person that can stay in denial.  Though for awhile there I desperately wished I could.

Losing our baby was hands down the most difficult thing I've ever had to overcome in my life.  It forced me to remember that "life isn't fair" and that you can't control everything.  I've never felt so helpless as I did staring at that ultrasound screen and knowing that there wasn't a thing I could do to bring my baby back. My glass-half-full optimism was shaken for awhile, but I knew at my core that I would be okay.  And I am.

I had so many people come forward and share their own stories of loss.  Many others just offered a simple word of comfort.  It was hard having to tell the world of our loss so soon after sharing our joy, but I'll never regret not keeping the miracle of our baby a secret.  I needed all those people that came forward, and all those kind words.  I can't express how much I appreciate those people that loved and supported me through this.

I've been listening to country a lot lately.  I think there's just something about country music that draws you in when you're emotional--no matter what kind of emotions you have.  When you're happy and carefree, it's okay to turn to pop/rock/soul/alternative/whatever.  But when you have a lot of feelings weighing you down, you can't help but listen to country.  Or at least, that’s what happens with me. 

It just touches a part of me that I didn't know needed to be soothed. If I hadn't broken it down and thought about it consciously, I don't think I'd have even recognized that those pieces of me that are still broken are the reasons why nothing but a little country twang can satisfy me.

I'll leave you with a few words from Sara Evan's song "Stronger" that have helped me:

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger
Doesn't happen overnight, but you turn around
And a month's gone by
And you realize you haven't cried

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