Shooting For the Stars

Have you ever had a moment in your life when you realize that you're too scared to shoot for the stars because if you fail, you'll have nothing left to shoot for? No? Well, those moments suck.

I was having a conversation with Michael when I struck on something.  The novel that I've been writing has been almost finished for some time now.  I always think about picking it back up, and finishing it, but never do it.  I say it's because I'm stuck.  I know the writing is good, but I also know that the story needs more.  More depth, more intrigue, more everything.   

I know it’s a work in progress--and that seems like a lot of work, going through everything.  I hate to destroy even one page of what I've created, and it's like a physical wound to change things.  So that does stop me from even trying.  But I think the real reason I'm not writing is because I'm afraid.  

I know that with everything else in life that I've ever been really interested in pursuing, I've always just been average. I may not suck, but I'm not exceptional either.  We all want to be exceptional, to find our niche.  I really think writing is my niche.  It's something I've always been good at, and something that I love.  When I write a story, or even a paper for a class, I feel a little bit of magic weaving itself around me as I write.  It's a beautiful thing, reading over what I've written and know I did this.   

But I think I'm afraid that even though it's my niche, and I love it…that I won't be good enough.  I may love it, but what if I don't have the talent?  What if I can't really pull this off?  If I fail--which is my biggest fear in life--what do I have left?  If my biggest dream isn't attainable, what do I reach for then?  If I try and fail, I have nothing left for myself.  Of course I'll still have things in life to be happy about, but not that small portion of this world that is for me alone.   

If I don't try, I can't fail--and then at least I can hold on to the dream that maybe I would succeed if only I tried, someday.  I know that this is part of life, taking risks.  It's just such a scary one.  I know that I need more for myself.  I can't just be a mom or a wife, or even that awesome creation that is a military wife and mother.  I need to be more than that.  And I try--I dabble with sewing, and cooking, and working out.  I try to find a little niche somewhere else--I think so I can have something to fall back on if this doesn't work.  

But I'll never know if I don't try.  I'll never get to succeed if I don't try.  I may fail, but I won't know that…if I DON'T TRY.  Basically, I need to get my damn head out of the sand, and stop being afraid.  I need to dedicate myself to my writing again.  Set aside time.  Stop letting excuses get in the way.

I was able to do that was P90x.  I put aside the excuses, and just did it.  You can't make a change if you don't try.  If you fail, okay.  That sucks.  But at least you tried.  Or, at least that’s what I'm telling myself because I need this damn pep talk.  

 I tried P90x, I set aside excuses, and I succeeded. I may not have had the results I wanted at the beginning, but that doesn't bother me.  Because maybe my results weren't really obtainable.  My results were still fantastic.  And I know I'm not done yet.  I paved the road, and now I have a clear path to follow.  The same can happen with writing.  I need to set myself out to pave that road.  And if at the end, I'm not where I want to be…well, then at least I got the ball rolling.  I can build upon it.   

And I can have the confidence to know that what is inside has the potential for greatness--if I try. 

A Little Pep Talk

Some days we just need to give ourselves a little pep talk.  We need to talk ourselves up to accomplish that task that seems to daunting--or talk ourselves down from that metaphorical ledge that seems so very inviting.  We all have those days when we want to scream and pull our hair out, and we think:  why am I doing this!  Days when our dreams seem way too big to accomplish. 

Today is one of those days for me.

Some people know that I'm writing a book.  Writing has been my favorite way to express myself since I was old enough to put pen to paper--though these days it's more like fingers to computer keys.  I've written poetry and short stories my entire life.  I even enjoyed writing papers for assignments in school (yes, I'm that person). 

It's been a few months since I've actually sat down and written anything related to my book.  Between the holidays and Michael joining the Air Force, I just haven't made the time.  Other than this blog, I haven't put any of my thoughts on paper for almost four months. 

So today I sat down and began re-reading what I've written so far...which is about half of what I expect the book will end up being.  Each page I read brought me both elation and self-doubt.  Elation because after all these months, I still feel that I am telling a story that people will enjoy, and I'm doing it well.  But then the self-doubt kicks in, and I can't help thinking that although I think it's good, it may not be good enough. 

There are so many people out there trying to accomplish the same thing as me.  We all work hard, pouring ourselves into something that we hope others will enjoy just as much as we do.  But not everyone gets to see that dream realized, and all the bureaucracy that goes along with getting a book published is beyond daunting. 

In no way do I expect to write the next "American novel" that sells millions of copies and changes the world.  Excluding Stephenie Meyer and J.K. Rowling, most writers of paranormal/fantasy fiction don't make that large of an impact on the world.  Anyway, that's not really my goal. 

My goal is to tell a story captivating enough to keep the reader turning the page.  My goal is to bring people happiness through the escape a book brings.  All I want is to be given the chance to do so.

Which brings me back to my pep talk.  Even though my goal is to write a book that will eventually get published, I am writing this book more for myself than anyone else.  I want to prove to myself that I can do this.  To achieve that dream that I've had since I was a little girl:  becoming an author. 

But the self-doubt and the bureaucracy of the book-writing business is sometimes so overwhelming that I barely have it in me to write a single sentence.  I stare at the computer screen...and nothing happens. I have a million ideas zooming around in my brain, but I'm almost too afraid to write them down. The perfectionist in me rears it's ugly head, and makes the task of writing even one page a very cumbersome task.

And then...I open my blog and write my thoughts for those with the patience to read them.  And I remember.  I remember that writing is something I love, something I know deep down that I'm good at.  No matter if I sell a million copies or never get published, I will be safe in the realization that I took the time to do something that I love.  If it makes me feel good--gives my life meaning--then there is nothing better in the entire world.